My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
You Might Also Like
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less