Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.