Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is