Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The happy life.. 😊
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that