paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”