Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.