Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.