broke down and did it
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
never deleting this app.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted