My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.