I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.