Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Cake safety first. Always.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*