Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.