Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms