I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
You Might Also Like
How all things should be taught/explained.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Can’t stop laughing
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.