The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
You Might Also Like
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.