[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Beauty and the Beast
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick