4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Just say no
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
those birds must be on payroll
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.