Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.