Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
this could fix me
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.