So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
No. He’s not coming out to play
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Merica.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.