going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sorry. Not sorry
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles