I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.