What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
This story is comedy gold 😂
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
nature’s most graceful animal
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Twitter remains undefeated