I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
You Might Also Like
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
how long have you had this for?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”