[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?