wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
These aliens are taking forever.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears