“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.