Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.