ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
this could fix me
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.