Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Just me?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.