Haha! 😂
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
gentlemen, hear me out