[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie