me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it