Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu