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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.