JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites