[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker