[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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Cannibal? Seek help.
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“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.