If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Siri, fight Alexa.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
ok like just. call me at this point
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.