My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Some people were born into their job.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out