I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The Struggle
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.