medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.