I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
You Might Also Like
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”