Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
From my Mom
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?