Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*weighs self after shaving
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
President The Rock Obama
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]