my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt