People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The future is now.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”