“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
why am I working on Labor Day
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi