My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
HERE’S MARKY
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you