I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene